Are you emotionally “in” or “out”?

To what extent is emotional expression needed and at what point does it become too much?

Growing in societies of rules and social restrictions, many develop means with which they manage their self-expression. Repeated and prolonged control often results in these conscious techniques to become subconscious which sometimes leads to affecting interactions in unintended ways.

Though scientists do agree that a certain amount of innate temperament plays a factor in how we behave socially, the management of that temperament occurs only through social conditioning. Just like anyone who was found alone on a deserted island would no longer be preoccupied with their physical looks or public behavior, such a person would not feel the need to repress emotional reactivity.

As the prefrontal lobes of the brain develop, first through human evolution and then some more throughout our lives, our ability to control our impulses develop as well. This control occurs in two ways: before an emotion is completely sensed and in response to a felt emotion.

The most obvious and first learned technique is the latter, in which a person would suppress an emotion in order to obey social decorum. Poker-faces are typical examples of this. However, habitual and extensive emotional suppression has been known to have many side-effects. Bottling up emotions has been known to lead to physical disorders such as high blood pressure, heart problems, ulcers, migraines, etc. It can also lead to socio-psychological difficulties such as impeding social interactions, depression, anxiety and even psychoses.

The more subtle version of emotional control happens when we change the way we perceive events. By maintaining focus on positives only, for instance, or diverting our attention away from something we dislike, we are essentially controlling what would be a natural emotional reaction to a stimulus. Similarly, a person can be cynical with a pessimistic view of the world thus ignoring positive aspects of situations. Health-related effects of such pre-emptive management of self-expression are not yet well-known. However, on the practical side, this could render a person unable to perceive events objectively which is essential for good decision-making and valuable social interactions.

Without using either of these two strategies, one would enter the category of those who openly express their emotions. Though the physical body often responds best to this strategy of emotional aperture, social restrictions often require us to impose certain limits on our behavior. Especially when interacting with other people where social judgment can play a major role in the success or failure of the interface (in a business meeting, in a court room, etc), complete freedom of expression may prove unwise.

Every one of the above strategies can be helpful in certain situations and anyone who limits themselves to only one of these approaches, whether based on too little control or perhaps too much, will most likely suffer from social, psychological or physical maladaptations. Essentially, the more people can understand their own patterns of behavior and emotional temperament, the more likely they are to grasp what is the best strategy to use.

Accept or Resist, the Choice is Yours

Sitting in the train I met a man who was a literary critic for German fiction novels who found himself in front of a brick wall in life. He was loosing his eye sight. What can a literary critic do when reading and writing are no longer possible?

Audio books? Braille? Or perhaps a career change?

Would the critique part stay and the topic change? Thus a music critic or a theater critic would be possible. Or how about the job type so that the literary critic becomes the literary promoter of alternative forms of literature and reading materials.

A third option would be to delve into completely unknown territory and seek a different type of career altogether.

Regardless of what this man chose to do with his life, the message is this: Sometimes life presents you with challenges requiring major changes in life. Our response can be one of two; Accept or Resist.

With regards to acceptance, one can go with the flow and make major changes that can lead to the exploration of the unknown, an adventure into the other abilities and talents we have to offer.

In terms of resistance, we are presented with barriers that require us to demonstrate our abilities beyond the limits we thought we could have reached.

There is no right direction in such a situation, only no direction would be erroneous. Should one decide to stay put, refuse to change, grow, or demonstrate strength, then failure would be imminent.

Your Limits Are Your Road Signs

The world in which we live can be complicated. The more we let our minds wander into the possibilities of the universe, the more we can get lost in the functions and meanings behind events and encountered phenomena. Often, the best way to make sense of it all is to go back to the most basic elements that lay the foundations of what we experience.

In the case of achievement and success, it is often useful to reflect on the Self by looking directly within the body, understanding the structure and function of the body parts we own, and coming to terms with what we have.

This is the application of one’s Biological Nature. Our cells resonate with specific frequencies giving us the shape and form of the unique body we see today. These genetic compounds dictate what would be our natural skills, talents and abilities that render us functional as humans and distinguish us from everyone else. The more we adhere to this genetic nature, the more likely we are to succeed with ease in the targets we put our minds to.

The problem of human societies is that very diverse beings are put under the same standards and forced to adhere to them.

Being a man among birds does not mean that you’re worth less because you can’t fly, or that you have no value because your nest doesn’t hold you. Rather, accepting this “flightless” limitation as a part of who you are allows you to seek those innate skills and talents you actually possess and possibly find an alternative method to fly. Focusing on your inborn talents is sometimes diverting from the desired standard but will pay off in the end.

The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu’s once said “Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” One way to interpret this is to consider the skills and abilities we have and to use these to achieve the things we want. Though all ways have something in common, not all take the same modality, have the same shape or require the same equipment to get there.

Where Self-Help Stops and Self-Challenge Starts

When it comes to the field of self-growth, there are many terms that are used: self-help, self-improvement, self-development, and ultimately self-challenge.

What is the difference between all these terms and why is it important to identify with the right approach for you?

Logically the goal human beings would be to improve the state of mind, body and spirit. But alas, self-perception plays a huge role in the motivational system we use and self-esteem is commonly found to be too high or too low. It is therefore often a challenge to accept who we are as unique individuals. We do not need to be praised to exist, we do not need to follow a given status quo, we do not need to correspond to a standard to feel we belong.

Habits, conventions and routines are like walls: they can shelter us but also imprison us.

Without challenge there would be no scientific innovation, no change of ideology, no variety.

Self-challenge lies in accepting that we do not need to build our self-esteem, we need to focus on our actions and productivity alone. Our stomach does not need self-esteem to digest food, our muscles do not need self-esteem to contract, and they perform these actions instinctively when needed. Our body is programmed to respond to many challenges and we as people should do the same.

The difference between the terminologies used contributes to a difference in the perspective one takes in the application of a program.

Self-help, for instance, assumes that help is needed in order to reach a desired target, but it’s a real paradox to think we can use something we do not have. We would not ask a poor man begging on the street to give himself some money would we?  If we genuinely and honestly did want to help him, we would have him to devise a way to challenge his problems overcoming the negative routine that has been created.

Self-improvement and self-development have similar connotations in that they begin with a basic level of self-understanding of who we are as individuals. Once an individual is able to see the Self objectively, a point zero is established. Objectivity would come with the demise of this disproportionate self-importance that we, as humans were born with. Conscious abdication of human self-righteousness is a huge challenge in itself already, a challenge so powerful that would make many conflicts on Earth disappear in a short time.

We are taught from an early age to fill our repertoire with precious instructions on how to build a skill-set but seldom educated on how and when to drop beliefs and dogmas after they have been proven wrong. If pursued by a tiger in a jungle, a man clinging obsessively to a heavy coffer full of gold will only be hampered in his escape and have higher chances of being eaten.

It requires a belief to build a mindset and it requires a challenge to transform it when needed. It requires self-challenge to accept a mistake with integrity, it requires self-challenge to accept defeat and to rise again after having fallen, it requires self-challenge to drop an entire system of beliefs when faced with concrete opposite evidence and restart a new one.

Self-challenge addresses the realistic notion that negative habits, our own and other’s critical thoughts, physical injury, disease and trauma cannot be conquered without a challenge, cannot be solved without any change.

This means that to seek success and progress we must first address the issues that hold us back, that make us heavy and generate ineffective or negative behavioral patterns.

Stop Dreaming, Start Doing

We often have an idea in our minds, a goal to achieve, an aim to look forward to. But somewhere along the way we loose track of where we were going and leave our targets unattained or barely grazed. How can one reach the desired objective and know that success and achievement are possible regardless of the circumstances under which we engage our journey?

Envision

A crystal clear and personally undeniable vision is an essential first step. Without knowing exactly what is to be obtained, there is no way of knowing whether or not the task has been accomplished. This means that “losing weight” should be made into a precise goal of “losing 20 pounds in 4 months so that I can be healthy, toned, and feel good about my body”. It is only in the second description that one can identify whether or not the goal has been reached. It also provides the ability to envision the end result as though it has already been realized.

Be Honest

Vision isn’t daydreaming. An accurate and objective assessment of reality is necessary for a vision to be feasible and workable. It’s not in being overly pessimistic (“I’ll never get there”) or overly optimistic (“things are perfect just as they are”) that one can set reachable goals. A solid platform for action requires a truthful consideration of the facts.

Hold on Tight

Very often, people begin with a clear goal in mind only to either give it up or lower the bar along the way. Holding tightly to a vision allows one to alter reality to move ever closer to the desired result, by providing the motivation and drive to take the needed actions to reach the target.

Step Lightly

Did you tie your shoe perfectly the first time you ever tried? Can you do it well now? Many believe that the first step must be a perfect step and get easily discouraged by initial failure. Rather, see failure as a form of feedback in which adjustments and future actions can be established. Then, one step at a time, walk along the path to achievement and adjust your stride according to the path in front.

Drive Forward

When motivation drains, we need momentum and this can be found through emotive drive. Various positive forces include the use of social support in which people you can about check up on you and give you encouragement to move forward. It could also be a deadline in which a stress factor pushed you to move quickly over the finish line. Or perhaps the emotive drive comes from seeing small bits of success along the way, in which case smaller goals make up the bigger target we’re aiming for.

Stop when Finished

When the objective has been reached, stop for a bit and appreciate the achievement. Celebrating success is a crucial factor for it provides the necessary positive feedback of a job well done. Even if the final result isn’t exactly as initially envisioned, a bit of praise for task completion will generate the motivation to initiate new goals. Failure to stop when the finish line has been reached leads to fatigue, frustration and dissatisfaction.

Keep it

Many will stop when they feel satisfied that the aim has been reached only to fall back into old habits, lie back in extended rest, or forget past achievements in order to focus on new projects. But why go through all that work only to have the result fade? If the goal of “losing 20 pounds in 4 months so that I can be healthy, toned, and feel good about my body” has been reached with effort, consistency and determination, why allow old habits to take that achievement away? Use the sense of accomplishment to set a new goal; that of maintaining what has been realized so far while taking on new challenges.

“The mere possession of a vision is not the same as living it, nor can we encourage others with it if we do not, ourselves, understand and follow its truths. The pattern of the Great Spirit is over us all, but if we follow our own spirits from within, our pattern becomes clearer. For centuries, others have sought their visions. They prepare themselves, so that if the Creator desires them to know their life’s purpose, then a vision would be revealed. To be blessed with visions is not enough…we must live them!” ~ High Eagle

Who Do You Claim To Be?

Most often, people identify with their occupation and respond to the question “who am I?” with titles such as a doctor, a referee, a cook, or whatever they do most throughout the day. It is important to understand that this is not who we are but what we do, yet most of us are unable to provide any other answer than the description of our profession or role in life.

On the same line, many will also provide a label for themselves based on national, cultural or religious identification such as an American, Chinese, Catholic, Protestant, Caucasian, etc. Again, this is not who we are but where we’re from. It refers to our background, the origin of our development, but provides little about the individual we have become.

Self-identification is an important part of human development, especially within the adolescent years. However, classifying ourselves among the above categories sets the stage for in-groups versus out-groups and self-comparisons to others within a specific label. We therefore tend to judge ourselves in contrast to others rather than assessing our own skills and abilities for what they are and what they can be. This, in turn, places us within a standard in which we evaluate our performance according to a scale from good to bad to establish whether or not we are acceptable to others.

Though we may find satisfaction in certain aspects, reaching perfection on all levels is near impossible. When we constantly compare ourselves to others, we regularly debase our self-image in some way because we highlight our limits rather than shine light on our proficiencies.

Therefore, the concept of the self should include our personal likes and dislikes, our talents and passions, our character and personal values, etc. These are the qualities that render us unique, that separate us from the mass, and that help lead us in the direction of our innate path in life. It doesn’t matter if you’re one of many;  what matters is what makes you stand out from the crowd and renders you the best you you can be.

So let me ask you this: “who are you?”